I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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