omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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