when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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