Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
