dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
