i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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