the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
