I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Randomize
