and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
