If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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