Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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