Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
