Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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