Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
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