shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Randomize
