i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
