Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
