She announced her abortion via fbk
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
