I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
