it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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