I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
