I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
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Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
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So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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