I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
