Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i think my mom watched the whole time
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
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Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
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You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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