I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
