Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
