I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
