It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
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