i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
