I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
