You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
