I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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