here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
