The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
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So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
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I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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