someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i already hear my dad disowning me
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
