life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
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