I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
