I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
