Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
