Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
