how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
