When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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