I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
