I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
