last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
