so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
