Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
