I like to think it a success when the cops are called
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
