Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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