Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
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