Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
