I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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