So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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