Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
