Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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