my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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