She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
