did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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