Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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