what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Randomize
