moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
